Why "I know I shouldn't complain, but..." Doesn't Work

Brave Self Care client Jessica with her son, Emile & husband, Chris

Have you ever started a sentence with

• "I know I shouldn’t complain, but..."
• "We're lucky to be working, but..."
• "Okay, first-world problem, but..."

I know I have.

One of my clients, Jessica, wrote an article for her workplace's blog all about this tendency, and as soon as I read it I knew I wanted to share it with you. 

Take a deep breath in...exhale...and enjoy!
 
 

Comparative Suffering and
​Why Empathy is Crucial Right Now

By Jessica Jew
​
“We don’t need to rank-order hurt, anger, pain and fear right now.  We need to attend to it, love on it and put more empathy into the world.”  - Brené Brown, on her podcast - Unlocking Us

As we enter another month of the pandemic, I must confess the emotional strain and energy drain of parenting has been unrelenting and hard. My son Emile stopped going to daycare with the shut-down orders in March 2020, so my husband and I suddenly had to figure out how to keep working effectively while having a toddler underfoot.

My mentor at work, Dr. Katrina Miller Parrish and I both became parents in the Spring of 2019 - her daughter Isa and my son Emile are only a few months apart. We crossed paths frequently in the lactation room on the 7th floor at work where we compared notes on infant sleep, the challenges of nursing, finding quality child care and the dilemmas of returning to work as new moms.

Our small lactation room, with the mini-fridge, small sink, and curtains dividing the space into two semi-private areas became a sacred sanctuary. It was a space where we nursing moms could talk about the pressure and often unrealistic expectations were were under to keep performing as if a small human hadn't just come out of our bodies.  

Her support and empathy affirmed my experiences and helped me not feel so alone as I grappled with how my priorities have shifted over the last year. I now look forward to our monthly Zoom calls where we can share honestly about raising our kids in the midst of the current pandemic and also share tips on taking care of ourselves.

As the pandemic wears on, taking a few moments to check-in together and breathe reminds me that I'm not alone in my struggles to sustain working-mom life. It is especially hard now in a remote working space where many people don't have any separation from the piles of laundry, the meals to be prepped, the screaming kiddos and the demands of work.

During the pandemic, many of my friends have started conversations saying, “I know I shouldn’t complain because I have a job--am not being evicted--am not sick, BUT I’m still having a hard time.” This phenomenon has been called comparative suffering, or a sensation that we aren’t allowed to struggle or have bad days because so many others around us are much worse off.

I’d like to firmly declare that engaging in comparative suffering does not work. Every person’s story is valid and deserves recognition, regardless of the severity of suffering. Stated another way, we only make ourselves miserable by denying our own experiences and refusing to acknowledge that many of us managing very challenging situations at home and at work. For us to survive the next few months - we must embrace our own stories, acknowledge both the good and the bad, and lean on each other for solace.

On a practical level, I’ve adopted a suggestion from Brene Brown’s podcast called the "Family Gap Plan" to clearly communicate with my husband about what we need to keep our family intact and sane. After a long day at work, I may say something like, "I only have 20% right now, can you give me 20 minutes before dinner to decompress?" Or he might say, "Could you please give Emile his bath tonight - I just need to watch a few minutes of the NBA game to relax right now." These honest and vulnerable conversations allow us to be flexible and true to how much energy we have in the given moment.

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I’d welcome your feedback on what works for you and your family - please share in the comments below, and let’s be there for one another! 
​
THANK YOU, Jessica, and thank you, dear reader, for taking time to read.

I hope this gives you permission to accept compassion for the hard things in your life, no matter how much harder someone else might have it.

Sending you kindness today,

Charissa Pomrehn
Self Care Coach for Moms and Nonbinary Parents
Brave Self Care

P.S. If the emotional strain of parenting has been unrelenting, I'd love to help you find a sense of calm and lightness. It's been a pleasure to coach Jessica through my More Rest, Less Stress coaching experience - and I'd love to work with you, too!

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